


Letters for Steve Rogers

by Anonymous



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Cross-Posted on Wattpad, Hydra (Marvel), Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, POV Bucky Barnes, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes, my angsty ass couldn't resist, sorry this is sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:54:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 2,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24163966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: the winter soldier starts writing letters to steve.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Natasha Romanov, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 4
Kudos: 19
Collections: Anonymous





	1. longing

steve,

i don't know who you are. hell, i don't even know who i am. but i remembered your name. i remembered that we were friends. but that was before.

you're not going to reply, i know that. because you won't get this letter.

i don't know what's going on. for the past few months, i've been getting flashes of emotions and of my past. and on my last mission, i remembered you.

your name is steve. i don't know your last name, or what you look like. i remember that you were very passionate about something. but i don't remember your voice or your job or how we met.

this is the longest i've been out of cryofreeze. it's strange. i think i remember something from before. a girl, and flashes of the most vibrant color of red.

it's exhilarating, knowing something that my handlers don't. but if they find out, things are going to get much worse for me. it's kind of hard to believe that things could get worse, huh?

i'm being treated like an animal, or like a weapon. probably both. i have no freedom, and i have no happiness. i'm not sure what could "worse" possibly be, but i'm sure it's bad.

i don't know much about my past, but i do know that i've been controlled like this for a long time. for decades, i think. it's probably not right, but i don't think i have any other choice.

"you're nothing without us," they tell me. they're probably right.

"you are the fist of hydra. you have no other purpose." it's true.

my place is here as the winter soldier. i can do nothing to change that.

but if i could, the first thing i would want to do is meet you. maybe you could tell me a bit about myself. resurface memories that i'm so severely lacking.

\- w. s.


	2. rusted

steve,

you have blond hair.

i finally remembered. it's soft and blond and short. you're short, too, i think. or maybe you're tall. i'm not too sure.

i just came back from a mission. it was a simple one, i was only to extract an agent from his home and bring him back to headquarters. the man had hair just like yours. that's how i remembered.

the flashback made my head hurt. it's still ringing again, to be honest. it's worth it, though. i can finally picture you in my mind a little bit better.

as i said before, it was an easy mission; i went in alone. i saw a few things in the house as i waited for him to come home.

it's interesting. for a secret agent, he has quite the normal life.

one thing in particular that caught my eye was his pet. he had a cat. it had sleek black fur and i think it enjoyed my company. i named it tom. there are only a few people that i am allowed to talk to, and none of them want to do anything to do with me. it felt surprisingly nice, not being alone, even if it was just the company of a cat.

on the way back, all i could think of was writing this letter. i was very eager to write it, to get it all down on paper in case i forgot again. it took a bit longer than i expected, though. my handlers were not happy with the condition i brought the agent in.

i was chained up for a few hours. it was cold, but not unbearable. it was a light punishment. i'm back in my cell now.

when my handlers gave me the privilege of pen and paper, i told them that i wanted to draw. if they found out that i was writing down my memories and recording missions, i would be wiped and sent back into cryofreeze. i'm willing to risk it for this.

i enjoy writing. i think that it may have actually been one of my hobbies before this.

\- w. s.


	3. seventeen

steve,

i went on another mission today. another high-clearance level agent. but this time, i was instructed to kill on sight. once again, i went in alone.

on my way out, something caught my eye. it was an action figure on a bookshelf. captain america, it said on the pedestal. i knew who he was, because my handlers often talked about him. they would taunt me with him while they punished me. they hated captain america. they wanted me to hate him as well.

i never knew why; i didn't have any memories of him. in my knowledge, i had never even met him.

and that's when i remembered. there was another captain america figure, a few shelves down. it triggered a few memories.

you're him. you're captain america.

i don't know what to think. i know is that we used to be close friends. i also know that hydra hates you. and we're on opposite sides.

i am loyal to hydra. you work against us.

this memory did not waver the loyalty i have towards my handlers. i want to be your friend, but i can't. i'm programmed to be completely loyal. i can't switch sides. i'm not sure i even want to.

i am glad to have some of my memories back, but this time, i wish that i was kept in the dark about your true identity. i have no idea how to proceed from here.

\- w. s.


	4. daybreak

steve,

it has been a while since i last wrote that letter. but i'm back now. i want to stay.

recently, i learned that you are dead. frozen to death in the bottom of some ocean. this information upset me, of course, but i think, that since you're not fighting against us anymore, i can write to you.

the last few weeks have been rough. my handlers are very outraged. i did less than adequate on a mission, and i was put through a set of punishments that i do not wish to write about. most of my privileges were taken away, but i had a spare pen hidden in my mattress.

if i were to be honest, i am slightly afraid. i'm afraid that my handlers will send me back into cryofreeze.

i have a feeling that i am not needed anymore. i am being sent on easy and amateur missions. it's nothing a trained agent couldn't handle, and with my recent failure, i doubt that hydra wants to keep me awake for longer.

if i am snatched away in the middle of the night, i want to remember you. here are some more things that i remembered about you in the past couple of weeks:

you have dazzling blue eyes. before captain america, you were very small, but you had a very brave personality. and you were always a great friend to me, which got me a bit worried. you were a great friend, but was i?

even though you're captain america, and even though you're dead, i have this inkling of hope that we could meet.

i can't help imagining it, over and over. having someone being kind to me is just a dream, but i wish it were possible.

but you're only kind to people that are worthy of your kindness. and i'm not. even if you were somehow alive, and we could somehow meet, you wouldn't want anything to do with me.

because we're on opposite sides, and i go against everything that you believe.

it's nice to think about, even if it could never happen.

\- w. s.


	5. furnace

steve,

they didn't snatch me up in the middle of the night and send me into cryofreeze, so i guess that's good.

i was informed that i am required on a new project. hydra is infiltrating a law enforcement agency and taking control over it. shield, I think is the name. I wasn't given too much information.

infiltration of any kind is a long-term project. it could take months, or if the agency is secure enough, it could go on for years. the good news about this is, i'm not expecting to be wiped any time soon.

moving on from the infiltration, something happened to me that I was waiting to tell you.

i had the strangest feeling today. remorse.

i was forced to kill a young girl. she was hydra's little plaything. i still feel slightly bad about it. i think it's because she was so young. she might have done great things in her life, if only she had the chance. but i doubt that she would have been able to escape hydra's clutches. maybe i did her a favor. she's away from hydra now, at least.

i've never felt like this before, and i don't know how to make this feeling go away.

i don't think hydra has any more little girls for me to kill, but i'm dreading the next time i will have to do so.

i suppose this feeling is why the world isn't full of murderers.

i'm oddly excited for the infiltration to begin. i'm hoping that i will be allowed to interact with normal people. it's been a while since i did that last.

\- w. s.


	6. nine

steve,

turns out that i'm going to be working from the shadows. i won't get to meet anyone new.

i was disappointed at first, but maybe it's for the best. i'm not very good at social interaction. maybe it's because i've been isolated for so long, or maybe i was always like this. you probably know more about this than i do.

i would probably mess things up; accidentally reveal my true self, or scare someone.

still, i was kind of looking forward to it. you can't have everything in life, i guess.

on the bright side, i'm going to california. i don't go there often. it feels like the last time i've properly seen the sun is never.

from what i know about captain america, you must have traveled all over america. you probably have been to california a lot. you're lucky. i heard that the ocean is beautiful.

speaking of the ocean, there's a new nurse, and her name is coral. she doesn't like me very much. i think she's scared. a lot of people are. even the guards are very weary of me. i guess my handlers aren't scared of me. but they don't care for me at all.

i have a stealth mission tomorrow before flying to california.

i'll take the pen with me and write if i find the time.

i know you're dead, but i feel like i'm getting closer to you.

\- w. s.


	7. benign

steve,

yesterday, i was given a list of people that i was to kill. it was short; only five people.

i was on the first man when i had another flashback. i'm pretty sure that it was my family. a sister. i don't. know her name, or where she is. but i did see her face. she had long brown hair and blue eyes just like me. her face was rounded but slender. i think she might be younger than me.

the third person on the list was a woman. she had long brown hair just like my sister. she pleaded for me not to kill her. and a part of me didn't want to. but i did. i always finish a mission.

i did not want to kill the rest of the people on the list. i don't know why. they looked nothing like my sister. but i felt something in my chest that i did not like. it felt like someone had punched me there, and left my heart dented.

i don't know what happened, and i wish it would stop. i doubt that you have ever felt anything like this before. you're captain america. you've never killed anyone before.

i don't enjoy killing, but i used to feel immune to the guilt that most people feel. it's wearing off. why?

one last thing. i mentioned coral a few letters back. she's very kind to me. she gives me extra food and sneaks me more paper, and i don't think she's scared of me. we hold conversations. i'm very grateful for her. i'm writing this down in case i forget again.

\- w. s.


	8. homecoming

steve,

i don't want to kill anymore.

i remember now. i remember everything.

my name is bucky. my sister's name was rebecca. she's probably dead now; she's old. you're steve rogers. you're my closest friend. we took care of each other ever since we met. my parents died when i was young. i remember.

i remember all of my missions, too.

i've been wiped and sent to cryofreeze multiple times during the last few decades. during my last time out of cryofreeze, i was a trainer at the red room academy. i met a girl there, natalia. she had this beautiful flaming red hair and sharp green eyes. we developed a relationship, and i was wiped when my handlers found out. natalia was punished severely. she couldn't walk for a month.

before that, i had a job in china. i made a friend, meifeng. she was very kind to me, but she knew too much about hydra. i had to kill her while she begged for her life.

it seems like there's a pattern. everything that is good is ripped away from me; they are hurt and killed. i am unable to have happiness.

i don't think i even want it anymore. happiness will only bring pain. they say that happiness comes in waves. if that is true, i must be living in a fish bowl. trapped, alone, with still water. a wave appears when someone tips the bowl, but i only suffocate in the water.

the infiltration has been going on for a month now. they say that they have something special planned for me tomorrow. i hope that it's anything but killing.

\- bucky


	9. one

steve,

they wanted me to kill. there was no way out of it. i killed. i shot the civilian. and it was just for the entertainment for my handlers. i killed an innocent man with no reason at all.

his full name was jeremy taylor tyson. he was young; in his mid-twenties. he had a well paying job that he loved and a fiancée. he had a good life, and i ended it.

i can hear the sobs ringing in my ear. i wish it would stop. just stop. stop.

my name was bucky barnes and i still want to be that man, but i'm not sure how. i was created to kill. how can i be bucky barnes again? i don't want to kill anyone. i don't want to do any of this anymore.

i'm remembering almost everything now. the guilt is overwhelming. there is a permanent pang in my chest. i can't get rid of it.

it's painful, but i don't deserve to feel sorry for myself. i deserve the pain. i have killed people. they are the true victims here. i am the killer.

i am dangerous. i am a killer. a murderer. an assassin. a torturer. everyone should stay away from me unless they want to get hurt.

\- w. s.


	10. freight car

steve,

the adrenaline is still rushing through my veins.

today, my hands finally helped a life, instead of ending one. i freed a prisoner.

for the past few days, i've been confiding in coral. but they found out.

she doesn't know anything about my recovered memories, but i guess being kind to me is enough to warrant imprisonment.

they shoved her into the chambers, cruelly punishing her. i helped her escape. i took the tracker out. i gave her the cash that i had stored away. i've been saving up with the leftover cash from every mission i've gone on. i helped her, and it feels amazing.

for the first time in this life, i did something good. i'm starting to understand why superheroes do what they do.

jeremy was last person that i will ever kill. i will find a way out, and help everyone that hydra has captured. then, i will survive on my own, away from hydra and away from civilization. i don't want to risk hurting any more people.

nothing i do could ever make up for everyone that i killed, but i still want to do something good for the victims of hydra.

i feel hope. excitement, too. i'm more than ready for the new life that i'm about to have.

i just wish that you would be there with me. we could celebrate together. save people together.

it's impossible, though. these letters are the closest i'm going to get to talking to you. it'll have to do.

\- bucky


	11. the end

steve,

they know. 

they recaptured coral, and they know about the memories that i recovered. they're wiping me again and rebuilding the winter soldier tomorrow.

i can't let that happen. i can't let myself kill people again.

i have everything ready. this is my final hour.

goodbye steve, and thank you.

\- bucky barnes

**Author's Note:**

> the fic is also posted on wattpad, i recommend you go check it out if you want the full experience with the gifs and quotes and stuff. my username is @littlestqr  
> 


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